prayer

This weekend I learned to pray. To a God I'm not always sure I believe in, but whom I desperately want to trust.

newest life

I've never been there at the moment of a baby's birth (except my own, I suppose). This may seem crazy to parents or nurses or midwives or family member with flip cameras, but I've never wanted to be there. 

Tomorrow I will visit two new babies in the hospital. Born a day apart into two families with much in common, including workplaces & a love of carrot cake. I love babies. (I know, I know - who doesn't love little precious babies?) But their sweetness, their closed eyelids as they sleep away the trauma of birth, of entering this cold world. I love their tiny fingers on their tiny hands - seemingly unattached to the rest of them, waving wildly & grasping for something.

Who among us doesn't long for that? Wrapped tightly in a warm blanket, instantly loved by everyone who sees us? Who among doesn't long for a life unmarred by bad circumstances & bad decisions?

Tomorrow I will visit these two new baby-friends. I will hold them & kiss them & touch their ears & toes. And with that I will reclaim my own innocence. My own beginnings.

easter sunday

I realized in logging in this morning that I have neglected this blog for nearly the entire six weeks of Lent...

This Lenten season has been one of deep reflection & trying times for me. I'm not sure if I am emerging on Easter Sunday as stronger or braver or more equipped to deal with the world. 

What I am sure of on this bright & glorious Easter morning is that hope lives - even in the darkest of places & among the worst circumstances. Hope exists & I can claim that for the darkness of my own life.

the day after ash wednesday

It doesn't really have a name, I guess. And even though I began my Lenten practice yesterday, I am just now writing about it.

I was raised decidedly NOT Catholic, but have found comfort in 40 days of preparation for Easter.

In different years I have given up different things: chocolate, caffeine, eating out, etc. But this year, I am opting to add something to my daily routine. I am writing a letter every day to someone who is important to me in some way & telling them so. Writing letters is something I enjoy anyway & I'm excited to see where this practice takes me. Already (two days in) it has required a lot. It is not easy for me to tell people how I feel about them.

May Lent bring me closer to the people in my life who dare to love me...

Tears flowed freely today down my cheeks - an unfamiliar feeling for me. A friend had sent a text an hour or so earlier, urging me to check the description of today's Oprah; "I'm not sure," she said, "if it will be helpful to you or not."

The topic was child molestation. An hour without a live audience - just Oprah interviewing four admitted child molesters. I'm not a big fan of the show, but for this - I watched.

I watched & I cried & I hurt. I hurt for all the children these four men touched. I hurt for the innocence taken & the lives shattered. And for once in my life, I also hurt for me. I knew my therapist would be proud. Well, as proud as you can be of someone whose greatest achievement in therapy is sitting cross-legged on the sofa on a snow day crying over an afternoon talk show.

here's the thing...

Life is completely unfair.

So many people struggle daily with health, finances, relationships, memory... They never get a break. Life delivers them one blow after another. Supposedly it's "never more than [they] can handle", but sometimes I wonder how realistic that gauge is. How long can someone dangle at the end of their rope before they either let go or feel a moment's reprieve? How long can I stand by & watch as a friend struggles to hold on? Her situation is hopeless & I don't know how to help.

All I know to do is email her every day & tell her that I care. To pray for her well-being & comfort... I hope that's enough.

outside

Yesterday I never left my house. Or even my pajamas. But today - I ventured outside. I stood in the cold air on the porch & tried to decide if I could shovel the walk & brush the snow off the car without putting on long underwear.

On my drive across town, I held tight to the steering wheel, afraid of losing control of the car. Of myself. By the time I got home, school had been canceled & I returned to the warmth & safety of my pajamas. Out of the cold darkness of winter.

grief

Tonight I am grieving the loss of a tiny baby & a lovely woman. The dear, sweet baby - born at 29 weeks - died four months after her entry into the world. The dear, sweet woman lies in a hospital bed, disconnected from the machines that have kept her alive these past few days.

Tonight I grieve the loss of a life never lived & the loss of a life lived to the fullest.

And this time, unlike other moments of grief, I cannot find the joy in the world around me. I cannot see the light in these days of darkness.

broken

I am consumed this week by the images & reports from quake-ravaged Haiti. But my heart is also heavy with the knowledge that as the eyes of the world are on Hispanola, devastation takes place in other regions, too. Afghanistan, Palestine, Darfur... We dare not forget the needs of the rest of the world.

haiti

I'm weeping tonight for the nation of Haiti. For those who will die waiting for water. For those who grieve in the streets. For those who have lost everything. For those who will soon lose hope.


Give, if you can, to relief efforts: https://donate.mcc.org/project/haiti-earthquake

aimless

I'm so aimless tonight. Crashing through the house - from one room to another - never stopping long enough to finish (or even start) any of the million projects that are ahead of me to do. I can't focus on anything - the paper I have to finish in the next three hours, the dishes that need to be put away, the bills that must be paid. Instead I stumble to the kitchen, to the tv, to the computer, & back again.

Maybe I'm waiting for something. Inspiration. Motivation.

Maybe I should give up on my list for tonight & just go to bed.

happy new year

I hate making resolutions, so in 2010 I'm keeping it simple...

Do one good thing a day.

Yesterday I called a friend who is grieving. Today I turned on the heat at a friend's house who is coming home today & has been gone for two weeks. Tomorrow I'm cooking dinner for a couple who is swamped with responsibilities. It's about being better everyday than I was the day before.

Let's hope I can achieve it. Happy New Year.

through snow

I drove through massive amounts of snow today to stand near a friend in crisis. Once I slid off the road into the ditch & spun my tires forever before I figured out how to get myself steered out. More than once I couldn't see through the slush-covered windshield & had to pull over to wash it with snow.

But in the end, I'm so glad I was here. I'm so glad I could be here to hold her hand & touch her cheek. I'm so glad I was here. Which is where she needed me to be.

merry christmas

I just heard the grandfather clock chime. It's midnight. And it's Christmas.

I'm on day five of a sniffling, sneezing, sinus pain, coughing cold. But I'm glad it's Christmas & I can be with my family, despite our severe dysfunctionality & sometimes hostility. (That's about as much Christmas cheer as I can offer right now...)

Merry Christmas to all & on this night of quiet waiting, I wish you peace & joy.

darkness

There is so much darkness here - this far from the city, surrounded by already-cut fields & snow-covered pastures. Especially in this darkest time of the year. The Christmas candles burn brightly in the windows, the only distinguishing mark in a neighborhood full of 2000 square foot ranch houses with 2 car garages. Snow is everywhere & the solstice has come & gone leaving darkness behind.

But it's still so dark here. And the memories of what has happened at another time in this same place are even darker.

Perhaps I can count on this turning. Perhaps I can trust that all things - like the seasons, like the calendar - will eventually turn toward light & away from deep-darkness.

Let's hope.

big trip

It's 2am & I'm finally done packing for a ten-day trip through five states & over eleven hundred miles. We will have to leave soon after school tomorrow to beat the winter storm that's coming this way. We'll be ahead of it & I like to picture it as a giant white cloud just behind the car in the rear-view mirror. As if we're outrunning it.

But now I must sleep because - tired or not - I must spend seven hours at school tomorrow & the 6am alarm will be ringing soon. Sigh.

things that suck

1. fire drills in the rain
2. birds pooping on your clean windshield
3. getting a letter from the IRS a week before Christmas

up early

I don't know why I get so much pleasure out of getting up early on a day when I don't have to... I guess it's my f-u to the clock that I race every other day.

sour mood

Why is it, that whenever I'm in a sour mood I just stay there? At least for a few hours - even though I know the way out lies in picking up the phone or getting in the car? I don't know. I don't think I am a glutton for punishment or that I love the misery. But I'm not exactly ready for a solution, you know? I'm not ready for rational thought or a cheerful smile.


Give me misery or give me... Well, I don't know exactly, but I'll stop short of death.

wishes

I only wanted two things today:
     1) Enough snow or ice or something to cancel school, &
     2) Kevin to win on Top Chef.

Temperatures mysteriously rose in the middle of the night turning our sleet/snow mix to just plain rain & the mean brother took hom the big prize on the best reality show ever.

I am going to bed now - doubly disappointed.