turning five...

When I turned five I loved Strawberry Shortcake dolls above all else. I played outside, climbed trees, played school, & helped with my new baby sister.

But I also cried myself to sleep every night because I had a terrible secret.

breathing

As I drove south last night on the interstate, the sunset took my breath away. Brilliant orange fading to purple & the trees & the mountains silhouetted black in the foreground. It lasted longer than I expected it to - maybe 10 minutes. Beautiful.

I was driving away from a funeral. Of a beautiful five-year old boy who was buried high on a hill in a crowded cemetery. Cancer took his breath away. Or maybe it was God... I'm not sure who to blame.

me, only younger

I've been encountering my former self lately. In piles of notes & sketches I've tucked into notebooks & drawers. Scribbled on the church bulletin or on an elaborately folded page, I'm remembering who I was. And how she's not that different from me. And how she's so very different from me.

lonely

Being alone & feeling alone are vastly different beasts.

I enjoy being alone, wearing my pajamas & watching whatever I want on tv - changing the channel at random & nodding off on the sofa. Driving on the highway with my choice of playlist or podcast & talking out loud to myself all the way. I love that.

But I don't enjoy feeling alone. The oppressive quiet of another long & empty weekend. The wishing for someone to talk with, to care about.

grief

There's grief & then there's a-five-year-old-just-died-of-cancer grief.

can i sustain it?

Today has taught me that even though it feels like I usually hate myself, there is actually more that I like than I hate...

savings

An old Native American was told of daylight saving time and said:
"Only the Government would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket, sew it to the bottom, and have a longer blanket".

Still, I like daylight savings. I like that I can still be in bed at what really is a pretty late hour, but technically still gives me another 20 minutes or so of leisure before starting my day. Of course, it wears off. Within a week I will be back to my old habits - waking up in the nick of time... But for now, I will enjoy the already-brightening day shining through the blinds & being fully awake - before the alarm insists.