through snow

I drove through massive amounts of snow today to stand near a friend in crisis. Once I slid off the road into the ditch & spun my tires forever before I figured out how to get myself steered out. More than once I couldn't see through the slush-covered windshield & had to pull over to wash it with snow.

But in the end, I'm so glad I was here. I'm so glad I could be here to hold her hand & touch her cheek. I'm so glad I was here. Which is where she needed me to be.

merry christmas

I just heard the grandfather clock chime. It's midnight. And it's Christmas.

I'm on day five of a sniffling, sneezing, sinus pain, coughing cold. But I'm glad it's Christmas & I can be with my family, despite our severe dysfunctionality & sometimes hostility. (That's about as much Christmas cheer as I can offer right now...)

Merry Christmas to all & on this night of quiet waiting, I wish you peace & joy.

darkness

There is so much darkness here - this far from the city, surrounded by already-cut fields & snow-covered pastures. Especially in this darkest time of the year. The Christmas candles burn brightly in the windows, the only distinguishing mark in a neighborhood full of 2000 square foot ranch houses with 2 car garages. Snow is everywhere & the solstice has come & gone leaving darkness behind.

But it's still so dark here. And the memories of what has happened at another time in this same place are even darker.

Perhaps I can count on this turning. Perhaps I can trust that all things - like the seasons, like the calendar - will eventually turn toward light & away from deep-darkness.

Let's hope.

big trip

It's 2am & I'm finally done packing for a ten-day trip through five states & over eleven hundred miles. We will have to leave soon after school tomorrow to beat the winter storm that's coming this way. We'll be ahead of it & I like to picture it as a giant white cloud just behind the car in the rear-view mirror. As if we're outrunning it.

But now I must sleep because - tired or not - I must spend seven hours at school tomorrow & the 6am alarm will be ringing soon. Sigh.

things that suck

1. fire drills in the rain
2. birds pooping on your clean windshield
3. getting a letter from the IRS a week before Christmas

up early

I don't know why I get so much pleasure out of getting up early on a day when I don't have to... I guess it's my f-u to the clock that I race every other day.

sour mood

Why is it, that whenever I'm in a sour mood I just stay there? At least for a few hours - even though I know the way out lies in picking up the phone or getting in the car? I don't know. I don't think I am a glutton for punishment or that I love the misery. But I'm not exactly ready for a solution, you know? I'm not ready for rational thought or a cheerful smile.


Give me misery or give me... Well, I don't know exactly, but I'll stop short of death.