16.5.10
prayer
This weekend I learned to pray. To a God I'm not always sure I believe in, but whom I desperately want to trust.
29.4.10
newest life
I've never been there at the moment of a baby's birth (except my own, I suppose). This may seem crazy to parents or nurses or midwives or family member with flip cameras, but I've never wanted to be there.
Tomorrow I will visit two new babies in the hospital. Born a day apart into two families with much in common, including workplaces & a love of carrot cake. I love babies. (I know, I know - who doesn't love little precious babies?) But their sweetness, their closed eyelids as they sleep away the trauma of birth, of entering this cold world. I love their tiny fingers on their tiny hands - seemingly unattached to the rest of them, waving wildly & grasping for something.
Who among us doesn't long for that? Wrapped tightly in a warm blanket, instantly loved by everyone who sees us? Who among doesn't long for a life unmarred by bad circumstances & bad decisions?
Tomorrow I will visit these two new baby-friends. I will hold them & kiss them & touch their ears & toes. And with that I will reclaim my own innocence. My own beginnings.
Tomorrow I will visit two new babies in the hospital. Born a day apart into two families with much in common, including workplaces & a love of carrot cake. I love babies. (I know, I know - who doesn't love little precious babies?) But their sweetness, their closed eyelids as they sleep away the trauma of birth, of entering this cold world. I love their tiny fingers on their tiny hands - seemingly unattached to the rest of them, waving wildly & grasping for something.
Who among us doesn't long for that? Wrapped tightly in a warm blanket, instantly loved by everyone who sees us? Who among doesn't long for a life unmarred by bad circumstances & bad decisions?
Tomorrow I will visit these two new baby-friends. I will hold them & kiss them & touch their ears & toes. And with that I will reclaim my own innocence. My own beginnings.
4.4.10
easter sunday
I realized in logging in this morning that I have neglected this blog for nearly the entire six weeks of Lent...
This Lenten season has been one of deep reflection & trying times for me. I'm not sure if I am emerging on Easter Sunday as stronger or braver or more equipped to deal with the world.
What I am sure of on this bright & glorious Easter morning is that hope lives - even in the darkest of places & among the worst circumstances. Hope exists & I can claim that for the darkness of my own life.
This Lenten season has been one of deep reflection & trying times for me. I'm not sure if I am emerging on Easter Sunday as stronger or braver or more equipped to deal with the world.
What I am sure of on this bright & glorious Easter morning is that hope lives - even in the darkest of places & among the worst circumstances. Hope exists & I can claim that for the darkness of my own life.
19.2.10
the day after ash wednesday
It doesn't really have a name, I guess. And even though I began my Lenten practice yesterday, I am just now writing about it.
I was raised decidedly NOT Catholic, but have found comfort in 40 days of preparation for Easter.
In different years I have given up different things: chocolate, caffeine, eating out, etc. But this year, I am opting to add something to my daily routine. I am writing a letter every day to someone who is important to me in some way & telling them so. Writing letters is something I enjoy anyway & I'm excited to see where this practice takes me. Already (two days in) it has required a lot. It is not easy for me to tell people how I feel about them.
May Lent bring me closer to the people in my life who dare to love me...
I was raised decidedly NOT Catholic, but have found comfort in 40 days of preparation for Easter.
In different years I have given up different things: chocolate, caffeine, eating out, etc. But this year, I am opting to add something to my daily routine. I am writing a letter every day to someone who is important to me in some way & telling them so. Writing letters is something I enjoy anyway & I'm excited to see where this practice takes me. Already (two days in) it has required a lot. It is not easy for me to tell people how I feel about them.
May Lent bring me closer to the people in my life who dare to love me...
9.2.10
Tears flowed freely today down my cheeks - an unfamiliar feeling for me. A friend had sent a text an hour or so earlier, urging me to check the description of today's Oprah; "I'm not sure," she said, "if it will be helpful to you or not."
The topic was child molestation. An hour without a live audience - just Oprah interviewing four admitted child molesters. I'm not a big fan of the show, but for this - I watched.
I watched & I cried & I hurt. I hurt for all the children these four men touched. I hurt for the innocence taken & the lives shattered. And for once in my life, I also hurt for me. I knew my therapist would be proud. Well, as proud as you can be of someone whose greatest achievement in therapy is sitting cross-legged on the sofa on a snow day crying over an afternoon talk show.
The topic was child molestation. An hour without a live audience - just Oprah interviewing four admitted child molesters. I'm not a big fan of the show, but for this - I watched.
I watched & I cried & I hurt. I hurt for all the children these four men touched. I hurt for the innocence taken & the lives shattered. And for once in my life, I also hurt for me. I knew my therapist would be proud. Well, as proud as you can be of someone whose greatest achievement in therapy is sitting cross-legged on the sofa on a snow day crying over an afternoon talk show.
3.2.10
here's the thing...
Life is completely unfair.
So many people struggle daily with health, finances, relationships, memory... They never get a break. Life delivers them one blow after another. Supposedly it's "never more than [they] can handle", but sometimes I wonder how realistic that gauge is. How long can someone dangle at the end of their rope before they either let go or feel a moment's reprieve? How long can I stand by & watch as a friend struggles to hold on? Her situation is hopeless & I don't know how to help.
All I know to do is email her every day & tell her that I care. To pray for her well-being & comfort... I hope that's enough.
So many people struggle daily with health, finances, relationships, memory... They never get a break. Life delivers them one blow after another. Supposedly it's "never more than [they] can handle", but sometimes I wonder how realistic that gauge is. How long can someone dangle at the end of their rope before they either let go or feel a moment's reprieve? How long can I stand by & watch as a friend struggles to hold on? Her situation is hopeless & I don't know how to help.
All I know to do is email her every day & tell her that I care. To pray for her well-being & comfort... I hope that's enough.
1.2.10
outside
Yesterday I never left my house. Or even my pajamas. But today - I ventured outside. I stood in the cold air on the porch & tried to decide if I could shovel the walk & brush the snow off the car without putting on long underwear.
On my drive across town, I held tight to the steering wheel, afraid of losing control of the car. Of myself. By the time I got home, school had been canceled & I returned to the warmth & safety of my pajamas. Out of the cold darkness of winter.
On my drive across town, I held tight to the steering wheel, afraid of losing control of the car. Of myself. By the time I got home, school had been canceled & I returned to the warmth & safety of my pajamas. Out of the cold darkness of winter.
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