through snow

I drove through massive amounts of snow today to stand near a friend in crisis. Once I slid off the road into the ditch & spun my tires forever before I figured out how to get myself steered out. More than once I couldn't see through the slush-covered windshield & had to pull over to wash it with snow.

But in the end, I'm so glad I was here. I'm so glad I could be here to hold her hand & touch her cheek. I'm so glad I was here. Which is where she needed me to be.

merry christmas

I just heard the grandfather clock chime. It's midnight. And it's Christmas.

I'm on day five of a sniffling, sneezing, sinus pain, coughing cold. But I'm glad it's Christmas & I can be with my family, despite our severe dysfunctionality & sometimes hostility. (That's about as much Christmas cheer as I can offer right now...)

Merry Christmas to all & on this night of quiet waiting, I wish you peace & joy.

darkness

There is so much darkness here - this far from the city, surrounded by already-cut fields & snow-covered pastures. Especially in this darkest time of the year. The Christmas candles burn brightly in the windows, the only distinguishing mark in a neighborhood full of 2000 square foot ranch houses with 2 car garages. Snow is everywhere & the solstice has come & gone leaving darkness behind.

But it's still so dark here. And the memories of what has happened at another time in this same place are even darker.

Perhaps I can count on this turning. Perhaps I can trust that all things - like the seasons, like the calendar - will eventually turn toward light & away from deep-darkness.

Let's hope.

big trip

It's 2am & I'm finally done packing for a ten-day trip through five states & over eleven hundred miles. We will have to leave soon after school tomorrow to beat the winter storm that's coming this way. We'll be ahead of it & I like to picture it as a giant white cloud just behind the car in the rear-view mirror. As if we're outrunning it.

But now I must sleep because - tired or not - I must spend seven hours at school tomorrow & the 6am alarm will be ringing soon. Sigh.

things that suck

1. fire drills in the rain
2. birds pooping on your clean windshield
3. getting a letter from the IRS a week before Christmas

up early

I don't know why I get so much pleasure out of getting up early on a day when I don't have to... I guess it's my f-u to the clock that I race every other day.

sour mood

Why is it, that whenever I'm in a sour mood I just stay there? At least for a few hours - even though I know the way out lies in picking up the phone or getting in the car? I don't know. I don't think I am a glutton for punishment or that I love the misery. But I'm not exactly ready for a solution, you know? I'm not ready for rational thought or a cheerful smile.


Give me misery or give me... Well, I don't know exactly, but I'll stop short of death.

wishes

I only wanted two things today:
     1) Enough snow or ice or something to cancel school, &
     2) Kevin to win on Top Chef.

Temperatures mysteriously rose in the middle of the night turning our sleet/snow mix to just plain rain & the mean brother took hom the big prize on the best reality show ever.

I am going to bed now - doubly disappointed.

treat

I'm a big fan of fancy things. Fancy stationery, fancy restaurants, fancy boutiques, fancy centerpieces - you get the idea.

And more than anything, I like making things fancy for people, making them feel special & valued because of the trouble I've gone to.

But tonight, I'm the one who got to feel special. And it's a nice thing. Very nice.

puzzle

Today I solved the crossword puzzle in less than three minutes. I don't know how that rates compared to how well other people did on today's puzzle, but I feel pretty good about it.

It felt like a great accomplishment.

thursday blah

It's trash day & it's still raining. Those two factors are enough to keep me in bed all morning. But there is no escaping the tasks ahead: taking out the trash, going to work, stopping at the bank, a doctor's appointment.

Here's hoping the kids are well-behaved, the heat is turned on in the building, & the rain breaks as I'm running out to the car.

yummy

Some days, even the rain can make me feel good.

reasons to sleep

1. I have to be up & at 'em at 7am.
2. Tomorrow I will be surrounded by adolescents. They are never tired.
3. It's nighttime.
4. My bed is warm & the world is cold.
5. Clean sheets!

cycling

There's getting up & then sleeping again; putting on clothes, only to take them off; washing dishes & getting them dirty...

There's also feeling confident & having that dashed; happiness that turns to grief; & a day full of promise which has become a day full of nothing.

On days like today, when I'm mindful of the cycling, I think I'm glad for routine. And for the freedom to operate without one.

giving thanks

Happy Thanksgiving.

I'm remembering today how hard it is during the holidays for people who don't have families or who are estranged from their parents or other relatives.

And I'm giving thanks for the blessings in my life: a job, a home, good friends, health. I'm also grateful for my Netflix queue, three new tires on my car, & a refrigerator filled with fruit... But that's not very "thanksgivingy", so I'll leave those things for another day.

pajamas

What is it about pajamas that make them so comfortable? Is it the pilling of the cotton & the sagging elastic? The memories behind the late-night food stains? Or is it simply the fact that they are the wardrobe equivalent of no responsibilities?

I love my pajamas because they are always cozy & soft & always mean I'm done for the day.

Even if I get home at 4pm, if I have no other reason to leave the house, I wear my pajamas. Sometimes I put them on Friday evening & hibernate until Monday morning. Pajamas are my bliss.

time

I know that time is time & no one hour is shorter or longer than another hour, but seriously... Some days go way too quickly & some never, ever end.

Guess which today is.

open road

I love long drives.

I know it's bad for the environment & increases my carbon footprint, but I love sitting behind the wheel & negotiating hundreds of miles of highway. What a thrill!

There's something about driving that gives me confidence (after all, I am the best driver out there at any given time) & a boost of energy. Maximizing my gas mileage, making good time, estimating when I will arrive at the next landmark & getting there right on time. Stopping where I want as often as I want. Listening to music & singing along at full voice.

If only I had a hybrid...

turning five...

When I turned five I loved Strawberry Shortcake dolls above all else. I played outside, climbed trees, played school, & helped with my new baby sister.

But I also cried myself to sleep every night because I had a terrible secret.

breathing

As I drove south last night on the interstate, the sunset took my breath away. Brilliant orange fading to purple & the trees & the mountains silhouetted black in the foreground. It lasted longer than I expected it to - maybe 10 minutes. Beautiful.

I was driving away from a funeral. Of a beautiful five-year old boy who was buried high on a hill in a crowded cemetery. Cancer took his breath away. Or maybe it was God... I'm not sure who to blame.

me, only younger

I've been encountering my former self lately. In piles of notes & sketches I've tucked into notebooks & drawers. Scribbled on the church bulletin or on an elaborately folded page, I'm remembering who I was. And how she's not that different from me. And how she's so very different from me.

lonely

Being alone & feeling alone are vastly different beasts.

I enjoy being alone, wearing my pajamas & watching whatever I want on tv - changing the channel at random & nodding off on the sofa. Driving on the highway with my choice of playlist or podcast & talking out loud to myself all the way. I love that.

But I don't enjoy feeling alone. The oppressive quiet of another long & empty weekend. The wishing for someone to talk with, to care about.

grief

There's grief & then there's a-five-year-old-just-died-of-cancer grief.

can i sustain it?

Today has taught me that even though it feels like I usually hate myself, there is actually more that I like than I hate...

savings

An old Native American was told of daylight saving time and said:
"Only the Government would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket, sew it to the bottom, and have a longer blanket".

Still, I like daylight savings. I like that I can still be in bed at what really is a pretty late hour, but technically still gives me another 20 minutes or so of leisure before starting my day. Of course, it wears off. Within a week I will be back to my old habits - waking up in the nick of time... But for now, I will enjoy the already-brightening day shining through the blinds & being fully awake - before the alarm insists.

gravity sucks

Gravity works. It works great. And not just in an indisputable-law-of-physics way. It also works in an I-can't-make-an-effort way. It keeps me anchored - in this very spot - for the last five minutes, five days, five months...

pigskin

Watching football is a metaphor for so many other things that I do...

There's anticipation followed by wild excitement & quiet resignation. And at the end of it all, I'm either happy or sad - for no better reason than my team won or lost. I have no control: I'm not the one calling plays, blitzing the offensive line, intercepting a pass, or kicking a 45 yard field goal. I'm just on the sofa, clapping & shouting & pumping my fist until it's over.

tired

Friday night bleeds into Saturday morning & I fear I will never sleep again.

In the middle of the night there is nothing to do but stare at the ceiling & hope your eyes will close. There's counting sheep, of course, but somewhere around 400 I have to wonder if it's working. There's relaxation, warm milk, even Tylenol PM, but no sleep.

Should I give up? Maybe get some work done? Grade a few papers? Practice the piano? Maybe clean out the refrigerator or re-line the kitchen cabinets with shelf paper?

Or should I lay still, staring at the ceiling in my pitch-dark room, waiting for morning?

off the path

What advice is there for a person who constantly makes the choice to leave the path?
          Keep going?
          Straight ahead?

Because I know that where I should be & where I am are different. I know that I have turned the wrong way off a perfectly acceptable trail. And I think I know the way back. To safety. But I'm not sure if I can muster the energy it takes to lift my feet - first one, then the other - & make the right turn.

And I'm not sure I want to.