cycling

There's getting up & then sleeping again; putting on clothes, only to take them off; washing dishes & getting them dirty...

There's also feeling confident & having that dashed; happiness that turns to grief; & a day full of promise which has become a day full of nothing.

On days like today, when I'm mindful of the cycling, I think I'm glad for routine. And for the freedom to operate without one.

giving thanks

Happy Thanksgiving.

I'm remembering today how hard it is during the holidays for people who don't have families or who are estranged from their parents or other relatives.

And I'm giving thanks for the blessings in my life: a job, a home, good friends, health. I'm also grateful for my Netflix queue, three new tires on my car, & a refrigerator filled with fruit... But that's not very "thanksgivingy", so I'll leave those things for another day.

pajamas

What is it about pajamas that make them so comfortable? Is it the pilling of the cotton & the sagging elastic? The memories behind the late-night food stains? Or is it simply the fact that they are the wardrobe equivalent of no responsibilities?

I love my pajamas because they are always cozy & soft & always mean I'm done for the day.

Even if I get home at 4pm, if I have no other reason to leave the house, I wear my pajamas. Sometimes I put them on Friday evening & hibernate until Monday morning. Pajamas are my bliss.

time

I know that time is time & no one hour is shorter or longer than another hour, but seriously... Some days go way too quickly & some never, ever end.

Guess which today is.

open road

I love long drives.

I know it's bad for the environment & increases my carbon footprint, but I love sitting behind the wheel & negotiating hundreds of miles of highway. What a thrill!

There's something about driving that gives me confidence (after all, I am the best driver out there at any given time) & a boost of energy. Maximizing my gas mileage, making good time, estimating when I will arrive at the next landmark & getting there right on time. Stopping where I want as often as I want. Listening to music & singing along at full voice.

If only I had a hybrid...

turning five...

When I turned five I loved Strawberry Shortcake dolls above all else. I played outside, climbed trees, played school, & helped with my new baby sister.

But I also cried myself to sleep every night because I had a terrible secret.

breathing

As I drove south last night on the interstate, the sunset took my breath away. Brilliant orange fading to purple & the trees & the mountains silhouetted black in the foreground. It lasted longer than I expected it to - maybe 10 minutes. Beautiful.

I was driving away from a funeral. Of a beautiful five-year old boy who was buried high on a hill in a crowded cemetery. Cancer took his breath away. Or maybe it was God... I'm not sure who to blame.

me, only younger

I've been encountering my former self lately. In piles of notes & sketches I've tucked into notebooks & drawers. Scribbled on the church bulletin or on an elaborately folded page, I'm remembering who I was. And how she's not that different from me. And how she's so very different from me.

lonely

Being alone & feeling alone are vastly different beasts.

I enjoy being alone, wearing my pajamas & watching whatever I want on tv - changing the channel at random & nodding off on the sofa. Driving on the highway with my choice of playlist or podcast & talking out loud to myself all the way. I love that.

But I don't enjoy feeling alone. The oppressive quiet of another long & empty weekend. The wishing for someone to talk with, to care about.

grief

There's grief & then there's a-five-year-old-just-died-of-cancer grief.

can i sustain it?

Today has taught me that even though it feels like I usually hate myself, there is actually more that I like than I hate...

savings

An old Native American was told of daylight saving time and said:
"Only the Government would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket, sew it to the bottom, and have a longer blanket".

Still, I like daylight savings. I like that I can still be in bed at what really is a pretty late hour, but technically still gives me another 20 minutes or so of leisure before starting my day. Of course, it wears off. Within a week I will be back to my old habits - waking up in the nick of time... But for now, I will enjoy the already-brightening day shining through the blinds & being fully awake - before the alarm insists.