through snow

I drove through massive amounts of snow today to stand near a friend in crisis. Once I slid off the road into the ditch & spun my tires forever before I figured out how to get myself steered out. More than once I couldn't see through the slush-covered windshield & had to pull over to wash it with snow.

But in the end, I'm so glad I was here. I'm so glad I could be here to hold her hand & touch her cheek. I'm so glad I was here. Which is where she needed me to be.

merry christmas

I just heard the grandfather clock chime. It's midnight. And it's Christmas.

I'm on day five of a sniffling, sneezing, sinus pain, coughing cold. But I'm glad it's Christmas & I can be with my family, despite our severe dysfunctionality & sometimes hostility. (That's about as much Christmas cheer as I can offer right now...)

Merry Christmas to all & on this night of quiet waiting, I wish you peace & joy.

darkness

There is so much darkness here - this far from the city, surrounded by already-cut fields & snow-covered pastures. Especially in this darkest time of the year. The Christmas candles burn brightly in the windows, the only distinguishing mark in a neighborhood full of 2000 square foot ranch houses with 2 car garages. Snow is everywhere & the solstice has come & gone leaving darkness behind.

But it's still so dark here. And the memories of what has happened at another time in this same place are even darker.

Perhaps I can count on this turning. Perhaps I can trust that all things - like the seasons, like the calendar - will eventually turn toward light & away from deep-darkness.

Let's hope.

big trip

It's 2am & I'm finally done packing for a ten-day trip through five states & over eleven hundred miles. We will have to leave soon after school tomorrow to beat the winter storm that's coming this way. We'll be ahead of it & I like to picture it as a giant white cloud just behind the car in the rear-view mirror. As if we're outrunning it.

But now I must sleep because - tired or not - I must spend seven hours at school tomorrow & the 6am alarm will be ringing soon. Sigh.

things that suck

1. fire drills in the rain
2. birds pooping on your clean windshield
3. getting a letter from the IRS a week before Christmas

up early

I don't know why I get so much pleasure out of getting up early on a day when I don't have to... I guess it's my f-u to the clock that I race every other day.

sour mood

Why is it, that whenever I'm in a sour mood I just stay there? At least for a few hours - even though I know the way out lies in picking up the phone or getting in the car? I don't know. I don't think I am a glutton for punishment or that I love the misery. But I'm not exactly ready for a solution, you know? I'm not ready for rational thought or a cheerful smile.


Give me misery or give me... Well, I don't know exactly, but I'll stop short of death.

wishes

I only wanted two things today:
     1) Enough snow or ice or something to cancel school, &
     2) Kevin to win on Top Chef.

Temperatures mysteriously rose in the middle of the night turning our sleet/snow mix to just plain rain & the mean brother took hom the big prize on the best reality show ever.

I am going to bed now - doubly disappointed.

treat

I'm a big fan of fancy things. Fancy stationery, fancy restaurants, fancy boutiques, fancy centerpieces - you get the idea.

And more than anything, I like making things fancy for people, making them feel special & valued because of the trouble I've gone to.

But tonight, I'm the one who got to feel special. And it's a nice thing. Very nice.

puzzle

Today I solved the crossword puzzle in less than three minutes. I don't know how that rates compared to how well other people did on today's puzzle, but I feel pretty good about it.

It felt like a great accomplishment.

thursday blah

It's trash day & it's still raining. Those two factors are enough to keep me in bed all morning. But there is no escaping the tasks ahead: taking out the trash, going to work, stopping at the bank, a doctor's appointment.

Here's hoping the kids are well-behaved, the heat is turned on in the building, & the rain breaks as I'm running out to the car.

yummy

Some days, even the rain can make me feel good.

reasons to sleep

1. I have to be up & at 'em at 7am.
2. Tomorrow I will be surrounded by adolescents. They are never tired.
3. It's nighttime.
4. My bed is warm & the world is cold.
5. Clean sheets!